Pssst…Wanna Know a Secret? I’m Awkward Pretty Much all The Time and Have Anecdotes to Prove it:

Standard

Such as:

…That time I went to an open mic night and played to a cardboard cut out of elvis.

…That time I went to a bar and got hit on by a guy who’s pick-up line was “Is that guy your boyfriend or brother?”  The honest answer was “neither.”  I should have said “both.” and walked away.  What I said was “brother.”  But it was OK…the guy walked away anyway…only to come back to try again.  and take himself out of the game by declaring I was too young (After I had told him I really did have a boyfriend. It just wasn’t the guy he thought it was)

…That time my professor called me closed minded for not being open to cannibalism, and he expected more of me because I am obviously very liberal.  Never mind the fact that I never told him I’m liberal.  I don’t discuss politics.  Ever.  He explained that it’s obvious.  (I think this story proves that science professors are incredibly strange and frightening more than anything but it’s a good story…)

…That time I had a meeting with my advisor regarding my senior project and he kept sniffing the air only to break down and ask “Do you smell fish?”  and I had to explain that it was me because I had come from my job as a lab assistant and had just finished washing the shark dissection trays.  He apologized and admitted he only asked because he thought it was him.  I’m not really sure why he would smell like fish…

…That time I realized it is never acceptable to smell like fish even if you have a legitimate explanation.  (See above)

…That time our entire class debated what the best tasting human would be and unanimously agreed that it would have to be vegetarian babies. (There is actually logic behind this conclusion)  BTW this class was run by none other than the “closed-minded” cannibal professor…are you sensing a them?  (He was actually one of my favorite professors)

…That time I drank an absinthe cocktail (no wormwood just incredibly strong alcohol) on an empty stomach before playing my first solo gig and I had to stop half way through to go pee.

…That time I accused someone of getting a spice girls song stuck in my head  because he had been humming it, and he looked at me like I was on acid and very earnestly said “I wasn’t humming anything…” (Pretty sure it was spice up your life)

…That time I was discussing the weather with a toothless man at the bus stop and he interrupted himself mid-sentence to say “by the way you’re very beautiful.”  That’s not even the awkward part.  The awkward part was when I said “thank you” and he replied “Don’t thank me.  Thank your parents.”

…That time I wrote a really creepy song for my friend about being stalked but secretly stalking your stalker, and I played it for him for the first time in the back of a VW bug.

…That time I caught a gay boy and a straight girl in serious conversation about my breasts…and when I realized what was happening the gay boy broke down and very tormentedly admitted “I don’t even like boobs but I just can’t look away.”  BTW, can I just say if I ever doubted the power of boobs, I didn’t after that night.

…That time a guy at an open mic night asked me and my female friend (who also sings) if we knew of any girls who could do some background vocals for him, and when we said “hello!?  us!”  he responded “oh…well I really need some singers with a lot of soul.”  We took it in stride. Our very mature reaction was to stomp up and down and loudly whine “we have soul!! WE HAVE SOUL!!!”

…That time a guy at the same bar was hitting on me and that same friend and was asking a lot of very personal questions, such as the year we were born, and an old ex-roadie saved us by interrupting with an anecdote about how he was pretty sure he had been tripping on acid that year, but he can’t really recall…

…That time we (same friend-KT) were on our way to our first open mic night and got a flat tire.  Several men stopped and attempted to help us change the tire by kicking it.  The AAA guy finally came and mocked us by removing the tire in two seconds.  Then we had to go to my house and get my car because the spare tire was also flat…and we got to the open mic in time to play one song to the bartender and guy running the open mic.

…The time I developed a strange person-crush on the guy who ran an open mic and went very fan-girl one day when I saw him for the first time outside of the bar we played at.  And I loudly yelled “Oh my gawd it’s *Henry!

…That time I wore a corset out to a goth night with friends and my male friend approached me and very seriously asked “Do you know what motor boating is?”  I said yes.  He grinned and walked away.

…That time I was at a bar with E (we were dating at the time) and I watched him get hit on by two very drunk, very spazzy girls, and I laughed the whole time.  Then later explained to him that he was being hit on because he was completely oblivious.  (Remind me to tell this story in depth another time-It’s very amusing.  It includes E very determinedly saying “excuse me I’m trying to work” while pushing two drunk, scantly glad girls out of his way as they tried to grind on him (literally on him…they were far too drunk for personal boundaries)

…That time a wrote a nearly 1,000 word post only using real stories about how awkward I am and starting all of them with “…That time”

 

*This name changed as a half-ass attempt to protect my ego in case he ever reads this blog

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